Cast

Judge: Wanda Windbag
Prosecutor: Jubilation T. Calhoun
Defense Attorney: Delores Fishdodger
Defendant: The Donald
Jury: The Audience

Judge Windbag: I would remind the jury that since Mr. Trump offered to testify on his behalf, he will not be allowed to plead the Fifth Amendment during questioning by the prosecutor, Mr. Calhoun. It is the hope of this judge that the prosecutor will ask some semi-intelligent questions and refrain from offering up those sugarcoated softballs that, the defendant’s attorney, Ms. Fishdodger, spent the last four hours asking the defendant. 

Atty. Delores Fishdodger: I object!

The Donald: You go get ‘em, Fishy!

Judge Windbag: Oh, sit down, Ms. Fishdodger, you can’t object to me! In case you haven’t noticed ... I AM THE JUDGE! And I will not tell you again, Mr. Trump, do not speak in my courtroom, unless you are called upon.

The Donald: Well, why does Fishy get to object, but I can’t?

Judge Windbag: Because she’s your attorney.

The Donald: Oh, so if I’m my attorney, I can object?

Judge Windbag: Yes, but then you would have a fool for an Attorney, a role which I think Ms. Fishdodger has adequately fulfilled for you. So, if you have no more questions Mr Trump, may we move this along? I’m having a root canal at five thirty, which I am starting to look forward to. It couldn’t be this painful.

The Donald: Oh, but you would be wrong there, Judge Windbag. I had one of those not long ago. But then that would be determined by how you would define ‘long.’ But I know long, Judge. And I know painful. Nobody knows pain like me. I am the mother and father of all pain. Believe me, Judge, my pain is tremendous...

Judge Windbag: Enough! I am sure that not only is your pain tremendous, but so is that of anyone who has to listen to you longer than five minutes. Let’s move this trial along. Do you have any questions for this witness Attorney Calhoun?

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Indeed I do, Your Honor. 

Judge Windbag: Well, come on, man. Don’t stand there like the cat’s got your tongue, I’ve got a dental appointment I’m looking forward to. Approach the defendant and ask your first question.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: The cat doesn’t have my tongue, Your Honor, just my brain. Very well, Mr. Trump ...

The Donald: Hold on there, counselor, if you would allow me Judge? Since, Jubilation, you don’t mind if I call you Jubilation, do you? You can call me Mr. President. Jubilation has mentioned a cat having his tongue, which will help me explain “grabbing ‘em by the pussy ...”

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Objection! 

Judge Windbag: You can’t object to yourself. Maybe your mother could, but you can’t. You opened this Pandora’s Box.

The Donald: I never said grab ‘em by the Pandora’s Box...

Judge Windbag: One more outburst and I will have the defendant gagged! Now, let’s proceed.

The Donald: If I’m gagged, how will I answer questions?

Judge Windbag: (Fist clenched) You will have to write your answers down. Now, let’s get on with this farce of a trial.

The Donald: Oh, I don’t mind writing at all, you Honor, I have beautiful handwriting. The most beautifulist of all the Presidents. I’m most proud of my Ds and Ts, they are gorgeous ...

Judge Windbag: (Hand on Forehead) I believe I might be having the DTs ... Mr. Calhoun, let’s proceed.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Uh, thank you, Your Honor...I think?. Mr. Trump, have you ever lied to hide the truth about something you have done?

(pause)

Judge Windbag: The defendant will answer the question.

The Donald: Oh, sorry, Your Honor, I was waiting for a pen and paper. I thought you wanted me to write out my answers.

Judge Windbag: (sighs) That will not be necessary, at this time. Just answer the question.

The Donald: Very well, Judge, and might I add that you are looking particularly beautiful today. You don’t own a cat, do you?

Judge Windbag: Mr Trump!

The Donald: Sorry, Your Honor, Er, ah... what was the question?

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Have you ever lied to hide the truth about something you have done?

The Donald: No way! The Donald is the truthiest person in America, maybe the world. Putin is a close second. But no one is more truthy than me. My truth is tremendous. People love it. I can give them one truth today and an entirely different truth tomorrow. And they will love both truths equally. 

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: So, you have never lied?

The Donald: No, never. If the President believes it’s the truth, then it’s the truth.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: But you are not the President...

The Donald: I don’t believe that, so it can’t be true, can it, Jubal? You don’t mind if I call you Jubal do you? You can call me Mr. President.

Judge Windbag: This should be where you change your tactics Mr. Calhoun. Your current line of questioning is taking us further down the former President’s rabbit hole.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Very well, Your Honor. Mr. Trump, did you have any discussions with foreign leaders before the events of January 6th?

The Donald: Absolutely! I have tremendous conversations with everyone ... kings, queens, prime ministers, dictators, and even some aliens. All very classy conversations. You know, the very most classiest.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Aliens?

The Donald: Sure, why not? They love me. We’re building a space hotel together. The Trump Hole. You know like a Black Hole. It is where all their money will disappear. It’s going to be huge. My friend Elon is going to find a way to take people there. Classy stuff, Jubal, you want in on the action?

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: (shakes head) So, Mr. Trump, did you take the advice of any of your advisors prior to January 6th?

The Donald: Advisors? Of course, I have advisors. My hair is one of my best advisors. (Whispers) It tells me things nobody else can hear.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Your Hair?

Atty. Delores Fishdodger: I object, asked and answered. 

Judge Windbag: Sit down Ms. Fishdodger, or you’ll be taking my place at the dentist’s. Answer the question Mr. Trump.

The Donald: Yes, Your Honor. (Turns to Jury) You see, my hair has tremendous insights. It’s like genius-level hair. Very, very, smart hair. It helps me bigly when I’m making decisions.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Did your hair advise you on making business deals while you were President?

The Donald: I am the greatest dealmaker in the world. Deals just happen around me, counselor. I make deals while brushing my teeth. I make deals while eating a taco. I made deals while suffering bigly from Covid. You should read my book, counselor, The Art of the Deal.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: (Bigly sighs) Mr. Trump, on January 6th you addressed a crowd of your supporters and urged them to “fight like hell.” Could you please explain what you meant by that?

The Donald: Well, you see, I was talking about fighting for America, fighting for democracy, fighting for those fantastic hotel and golf course deals ... you know, the important stuff.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: So, you were referring to metaphorical fighting?

The Donald: Absolutely. Metaphorical, allegorical, maybe even a smidge of alliteration. I’m a very, very, literary guy. My supporters love my literariness. Like when I created the word ‘covfefe.’

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Covfefe? What is that anyway?

The Donald: Oh, you don't need to worry about that, Jubal. My doc, Admiral Hufghfufu assured me that it’s just a temporary agvofofi. I can tell by that look on your face that you are amazed by my literaritude. (Smiles and gives dumfounded jury a thumbs up)

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: (shakes head) And when you told your supporters that they need to be “strong” and that “we won’t take it anymore,” what did you mean by that?

The Donald: Oh, that was just one of my bigly motivational speeches, you know? Like when I told my contractors they needed to be strong negotiators if they wanted to get paid.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Right. What about your statement, “they should march down to the Capitol?

The Donald: Oh, my hair was telling me that the crowd needed to practice their navigational skills. I thought they needed some bigly help finding the right route for their Capitol tour. The Capitol can be very, very, confusing.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: Now, Mr. Trump, during that same speech, you told your supporters to be peaceful, but then you also said, "If you don't fight like hell, you're not going to have a country anymore." How do you reconcile those statements?

The Donald: Ah, that’s an easy one, Jubal. You see, I’m a big fan of balance. It’s like when I have to balance my executive time with my TV time. Sometimes you gotta throw a curveball to keep things interesting.

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: So, just to clarify, you were encouraging your supporters to be strong, fight like hell, march to the Capitol, and balance it all out with peace?

The Donald: You got it, Jubal. It’s like going to a buffett. You gotta sample a little bit of everything. Variety is the spice of life. I mean just look at that jury ... couldn’t be anymore variety than that (give jury another thumbs up), why there’s a couple of  blacks, you know blacks love me, and a chink, and a messican, and a ....

Judge Windbag: That’s quite enough, Mr. Trump! Counselor?

Prosecutor Jubilation T. Calhoun: No further questions, Your Honor.

Judge Windbag: Thank God! You may return to your seat Mr. Trump. Bailiff, do you have any aspirin or maybe some arsenic?

The Donald: Thanks, Judge. Can I get a copy of this transcript for my new book, The Art of the Appeal?